Should Thanksgiving be Abolished? A Legal Analysis

SUMMARY This legal analysis examines whether Thanksgiving could be banned in the U.S. Arguments for prohibition include Establishment Clause violations via presidential turkey pardons, Commerce Clause issues from nationwide traffic disruptions and Eighth Amendment concerns about forced family gatherings. Defenses cite First Amendment assembly rights, pursuit of happiness principles and Ninth Amendment protections for unenumerated rights like feasting. Statutory complications involve potential gluttony charges, FDA regulations on food comas and jurisdictional disputes over cranberry classification.

Standing and Jurisdiction

Before we can litigate the legality of turkey day in U.S., we must establish who would have standing to bring such a case. Potential plaintiffs include the National Association of Gym Owners, suffering economic harm from post-turkey food comas that keep their members horizontal well into December, the Brotherhood of Uncomfortable Pants, facing catastrophic losses as Americans nationwide abandon buttons for elastic waistbands. And, lest we forget, turkeys, though most key turkey witnesses are, regrettably, deceased.

The Constitutional Case FOR a Ban

The U.S. Constitution’s Establishment Clause Problem presents our first avenue of attack. The government-sanctioned turkey pardon constitutes an unconstitutional establishment of poultry supremacy. Why turkeys and not chickens? Why not geese? This clear avian favoritism violates the First Amendment’s prohibition on establishing a state bird… okay, maybe not. Perhaps we should re-examine this argument.

More promising is the Commerce Clause angle. Thanksgiving creates an illegal restraint on interstate commerce by causing simultaneous nationwide traffic jams. The Founders could never have anticipated Black Friday, making this holiday an unconstitutional burden on commerce that Madison would have considered “most vexing to the spirit of free trade.” If regulating wheat production in one’s own backyard falls under the Commerce Clause, surely we can regulate a holiday that brings the national highway and air flight systems to a standstill.

But here’s where things get serious: the Eighth Amendment’s prohibition on cruel and unusual punishment. Forcing extended families to gather in close quarters and discuss politics meets any reasonable definition of cruel and unusual, particularly for that uncle everyone strategically avoids. The psychological trauma of explaining your career choices to distant relatives while trapped between the credenza and Aunt Peggy could surely be litigated as a violation of basic human dignity.

The Constitutional Case AGAINST a Ban

The defense, however, has equally compelling arguments rooted in our founding documents. The First Amendment’s right to assemble clearly protects peaceful gathering, even when that assembly devolves into heated arguments about whether marshmallows belong on sweet potatoes. (They most certainly do.) The Founders didn’t specify that assemblies must be pleasant, only peaceful, and if we’re being honest, most Thanksgivings toe that line beautifully.

Then there’s the pursuit of happiness. While the Declaration of Independence isn’t legally binding, its promise of “life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness” strongly suggests the Founders would support any holiday centered on excessive eating. Benjamin Franklin was notably rotund, after all, and there’s no way that man would have signed off on outlawing a feast day. This is historical precedent we cannot ignore.

The Ninth Amendment provides our strongest defense: the enumeration of certain rights shall not be construed to deny others retained by the people, such as the unalienable right to stuff one’s face with stuffing. The framers were wisely vague here, leaving room for future pie-related freedoms they could scarcely imagine. If privacy rights can be found in penumbras and emanations, surely the right to gravy exists somewhere in the constitutional ether.

Statutory Complications

Moving beyond constitutional questions, we encounter a thicket of potential criminal charges. Thanksgiving participants could face conspiracy to commit gluttony (a misdemeanor in 38 states), reckless endangerment of stretchy pants, and, most seriously, operating a deep fryer while intoxicated. (Seriously, don’t do that.)

The regulatory framework would prove Byzantine. The FDA would need to determine whether “food coma” constitutes a controlled substance side effect, while OSHA would have to establish workplace safety standards for gravy boats. The Department of Agriculture would likely claim jurisdiction over turkey preparation, creating inevitable turf wars with the Department of Health and Human Services over cranberry sauce classification. Is it a fruit? A condiment? An enogmatic gelatinous cylinder? These questions matter.

The Jurisprudential Landscape

Surprisingly, there’s little case law on mandatory family gatherings, leaving us to extrapolate from tangentially related precedent. In Turkey v. Thanksgiving (1952), the plaintiff’s case was dismissed for lack of standing and also because the plaintiff was delicious. Vegetarians United v. The Butterball Corporation (1987) settled out of court for an undisclosed number of tofurkeys, establishing the important principle that alternative traditions deserve protection under the law. Most relevant is My Diet v. Pumpkin Pie (2023), in which Diet lost in a devastating 9-0 decision, with Justice Thomas writing that “certain traditions transcend mere dietary concerns and touch the very fabric of American identity.”

The Verdict

While creative legal arguments can be marshaled on both sides, any attempt to outlaw Thanksgiving would ultimately fail on multiple grounds. The political impossibility alone dooms the effort; no politician seeking reelection would dare touch this third rail of American holidays. Even suggesting reforms to Thanksgiving is political suicide.

Then there’s the Pie Lobby, which has proven vastly more powerful than previously imagined, with deep connections to Big Whipped Cream and the powerful Cool Whip caucus. These special interests have their fingers in every pie, metaphorically speaking, and they won’t let this holiday go down without a fight.

Finally, and perhaps most compellingly: Canadians already had their Thanksgiving in October. Are we just going to let them win? Are we going to hand them this victory? The geopolitical implications alone require that we maintain our November tradition, lest we appear weak before our polite (and early) northern neighbors.

Conclusion

Based on this rigorous analysis, I conclude that Thanksgiving should remain legal, though perhaps with some sensible regulations. Mandatory nap breaks. Strict limits on political discussions (enforced by a neutral mediator, like a golden retriever or newborn baby). A two-pie maximum per person, with a pecan exception since pecan barely counts as dessert. It’s just a nut salad that got lost on its way to the table.

The real crime would be denying Americans their constitutional right to regret their food choices while watching football in a semi-horizontal position. This is what the Founders wanted. This is what they fought for. This is the dream.

Court is adjourned until dessert.